Happy Five Years

Just married! 2008

This weekend, my husband and I celebrated our fifth anniversary. Five years has gone by so quickly! Having kids and the ensuing sleep deprivation has, granted, caused many of my memories of at least three of those years to become pretty fuzzy, but hey, five years is still longer than college or high school. I hope we'll be together for decades more, but five years begins to feel like at least a minor milestone. As we approached our anniversary, I reflected on how relatively little we knew each other when we got married and how much closer we've become. Granted, we met each other about four months before we began dating, dated for just less than a year, and got married about eight months later, so there wasn't a lot of time between meeting each other and getting married. In that sense, marriage really does seem like a leap of faith, because you have no idea how much you don't know about each other!

Some people will say you should get to know each other for a long time as friends first, or at least have a very long engagement. I think it's unnecessary. Probably prudent, but if you know you belong together and have covered your relationship in prayer, I really don't see the point in waiting. And five years later, I still don't. Certainly our relationship deepened after we married. We've grown closer in ways I couldn't have anticipated. But I think that's just something that happens after you've made that marriage commitment, regardless of how long you've been together. All I knew when I married Joseph was that I loved him, I admired him, I wanted to be with him, and it seemed like God wanted us to be together too. Five years later, all of those are still true.

I know one thing for certain: I have never regretted or wished away a moment of being married. (This post may also be subtitled: "Justifying my quick marriage at a young age.")  I was 21 when we got engaged and 22 when we were married. All the adult members of my family balked in ways great and small and insisted I should wait until I was at least 30 until I got married, God bless them every one. (Literally, they believed 30 was a magical number.) That way I would have time to "grow as a person," "finish schooling," "establish my career," "accomplish my goals," etc. It seemed silly at the time, and five years later it still seems laughable. (I love you all.) The fact that I never got a graduate degree or pursued a career had to do with my uncertainty about what I wanted to pursue, and nothing to do with a lack of support or encouragement from Joseph. (Quite the opposite.) If God has lessons to teach me, He can use any part of my life, whether I'm married, in school, a mother, or pursuing a career.

Also, how did marriage become the great End of Everything? Why on earth couldn't a person still grow, establish a career, go to school, or accomplish their life goals while married? Wouldn't having a constant support in your life just help you with all of those? Children are a completely different story. It's a much bigger challenge trying to do any of those with children. But people act as if getting married ends your life. You never get to grow or change or progress. I remember in one of my graduate level classes one day, I mentioned I'd just gotten engaged, and everyone was floored. "I can't imagine making a commitment like that!" "Yeah, I'd be scared out of my mind." "There is no way I could even think about doing that." I understand that everyone is different, and not everyone wants to get married or is ready at the same time at their lives, but why is marriage actually frightening? Again, I don't go in for conspiracy theories. I don't believe there's a war on marriage. But it's sad that so many people have such a negative view of something so beautiful.

I didn't have any reservations about getting married to Joseph. (My parents were going through a separation/divorce at the time and I worried that I would somehow ruin a marriage, but that's another story.) I've always liked guys names that started with "J." I don't know why. I like blue eyes and darkish hair. I like big shoulders. Since I was a teenager, I've been keeping an almost-impossible list of what I wanted my future husband to be: he had to like kids, like animals, be spiritual (I wasn't raised a Christian, but I knew I wanted someone who had good morals and a deeper meaning behind them), enjoy cooking, enjoy classical music, be highly educated or very intellectual, be well-read in the classics, among many other traits. I was also looking for that loving, caring, strong, protective, gentle, prince-like quality. The way I know that God meant us to be together is I got all that in Joseph and more. He was literally everything I'd ever hoped for in a man, but still better than I could have imagined. A prince among men. The kind of material that knights and great leaders are made of. Brave, wild, a dreamer and deep thinker, hilarious, has a great way with words, able to encourage others, inspiring, a sharp businessman, able to teach himself anything. Honest- as far as I know, he's never lied to me or anyone as long as I've known him. I grew up in a family where little white lies were acceptable. It's very important to Joseph that nothing either of us says even borders on a lie to anyone. Not even little white lies. He's a wonderful father. He's a great friend, and he's a strong Christian. I haven't even mentioned that he's super handsome and fit, with a great Welsh singing voice. Or that he was an entrepreneur with a successful business (two, now!), a pilot, and a volunteer firefighter/EMT. I couldn't have in my wildest imaginings even designed a man like him. I certainly couldn't have imagined I'd meet him one day. And how lucky was I to meet him when I was only 20?? When we were dating, we both prayed about our relationship a LOT and were very open to God's prompting. But since there were no barriers and we both just kept liking each other more and more, we assumed it was meant to be. I would have been happy (and I still am) to be with Joseph the rest of my life. He was the man I'd always wanted. Since he felt the same way about me, there was no reason for us to date for another nine years just so I'd grow or learn in some hard-to-define way. (Plus, as Christian couples who are waiting for marriage can attest, it reduces temptation drastically if as soon as you get the green light from God, you put a ring on it.) Though I saw no reason marriage should hinder my education or career, I decided that love and building our life together was more important than both of those things. We're both enormously thankful for the experiences we had when we were younger and single, but I wouldn't wish for any more of those if it also came with the loneliness and longing of waiting for your perfect match.

Was that too braggy? What I'm trying to say is that Joseph is one of my sure proofs of God's grace. How could I ever deserve a man like that? How could I deserve his unconditional love and constant forgiveness? How could I manifest him with positive thoughts and energy sent out into a big uncaring Universe? No, God definitely exists, He designed Joseph, and for reasons I'll never understand but always be thankful for, He brought us together. (Really, as nerdy as I was when we met, it was a miracle he wanted my number.) I could never deserve or understand God's grace in choosing to save and protect me, but I'll always be thankful for it, and I'm always reminded of that when I think about my relationship with Joseph.

I'm sure your spouse (or future spouse) is great too, but I love mine so much! I'll say to single people: get out and enjoy life! Do all the things you'll be proud of yourself for later on. But if you meet the person you know is right, marry them whether you're 20 or 70. At the end of my life, I can't imagine I'd look back and wish we'd had nine fewer years of marriage so I could have "grown" more for nine years. I can only imagine I'll be grateful for every moment I've had with my amazing husband. In fact, I'd wager that the last five years, the challenges of life (both major and mundane), keeping our marriage healthy (even through having kids, which is no easy feat), adjusting our personal attitudes and behaviors, and just living together, has resulted in more personal growth than I would have experienced in either graduate school or through work. We've both changed and helped each other as iron sharpens iron. It's not always comfortable,  and it's definitely hard work, but I'd say we're both better people.

This feels a little rambling. I guess other than justifying my Great Marriage Experiment, I don't know exactly what I want to say, except happy five years, Joseph! One day I'll actually let you read my writing before it's complete... it might take another five years, though. :)

The happy couple five years later... plus three bundles of joy.