Ideas from my pre-parent days

I know someone who frequently makes comments about other people's ill-behaved kids. They've made it very clear they have no tolerance and complete disdain for children who act up. (They don't have children.)

Why do they tell me this? I think they share the confidence because they imagine that my kids are "good," so I must also have a natural disdain for "bad" children. I think that just illustrates how little they know us. My kids are good kids, but as a mother, there have been times a'plenty when I've seen that even good kids have bad moments (or days, or weeks, or months). Being a parent changes your perspective on a lot of things. Before having kids, my ideas about children ranged from naive (that I'd have free time) to downright delusional. (In one of my pre-baby fantasies, I sat rocking my peacefully sleeping baby wearing a white gown. WHITE.) For example, before I had kids, I thought:

1. Bad behavior = bad kids, and bad kids = bad parents. Kids are just tiny human beings still learning to keep a grip on sanity and reason for most of the day, and the smallest (and weirdest) things can set them up for failure. Even good kids will scream at the top of their lungs, throw things, and turn and run away from their moms at least once, if only because they're still learning how their world works and they want to see if they can get away with it. However, bad behavior can be influenced by too little (or too much) sleep, sleep at the wrong times of day, their diaper situation, air temperature, hunger, thirst, visiting relatives, siblings' behavior, wind direction, the presence (or absence) of their favorite toy/sweater/snack, their blood sugar, stress, uncertainty, boredom, personality, the phases of the moon, current world events, and just being a kid. Just because you see a toddler throwing a tantrum in a store once doesn't mean they've ever done it before or that they're bad kids. They may just be having a bad moment. And more importantly, it doesn't mean their parents are bad parents. I do believe that there are bad parents and bad children, but that doesn't mean that they can't ever change.
2. Our moms' stories didn't apply to me. I grew up hearing all my mom's stories about my siblings' ear infections, tantrums, sleep-walking, and food aversions. I listened to my mother-in-law talk about her kids' dealings with allergies, eczema, bad dreams, rounded feet, etc. without absorbing any of the information. Where exactly did I imagine my kids were getting their genes from? When we started dealing with allergies, eczema, bad dreams, and sleep-walking, I went back to our moms and asked them to re-tell their stories, and this time I really listened.
3. That I'd have free time. I worked throughout my first pregnancy. I planned to scale back my hours after having my baby, but keep working. In fact, I remember telling my boss, "I should still be able to get that writing done, at least for a few hours a week. I'll just be sitting at home with a baby and nothing to do." 
   
   
   
4. That the hardest thing I'd do is be a mother. Being a mom is a big job. You are the universe to one (or three!) small people. They want you to know what to do all the time. Your personality, preferences, beliefs, and actions shape the culture of an entire family. And if all you had to do was be a mother, it would still be a huge job, but if you're married, you still have to be a wife as well. ("WHAT?? You mean my husband is still going to want to spend time with me and talk about things other than the kids? He's still going to want some of my last shreds of energy to have a meaningful conversation and wonder why I don't make him lunch or put away his laundry like I used to when we were newlyweds? Who does he think he is? One of the kids??") My parents' marriage was never great that I can remember, and they ended up getting divorced around the time I got married. They come from failed marriages on both sides. If there's one thing that runs in my family, it is not doing well at marriage. The fatal blows to those and so many marriages are struck in that vulnerable time after having babies- when two people are trying to learn how to be parents and maybe end up letting go of being spouses at the same time. I had hormones that prepared my mind and body to be completely fixated on my babies. It took a huge effort to intentionally carve out some time and energy and space in my brain for my husband. But I know that (aside from being something I truly love) being his wife at the same time as being my kids' mom is one of the greatest investments I can make in my family.
5. That there was a right way to do things. Please don't hate me. Please understand. We all start out without a clue. Before I had babies, I believed a low-intervention pregnancy, a natural home birth, and breastfeeding a child were the best and therefore the right way to bring children into the world. I have learned so, so much since then. I know people who wanted to have home births but couldn't, who wanted to have a hospital birth but had their babies in cars, moms who had unplanned C-sections, moms who had scheduled C-sections, moms who had epidurals, moms who went natural. I know moms who breastfed for years, who never wanted to breastfeed, who introduced solid foods early, who just couldn't breastfeed, who exclusively pumped and bottle fed. And do you know what? All their kids are fine. Babies are born all kinds of ways. They are cared for all kinds of ways. And they almost always turn out fine. 
6. That I'd be able to turn it off. I imagined that I'd be able to effortlessly switch between "mom" and "me" whenever I had free time (see number 3). But there is no longer any difference. Of course I'm still the person I was before I had kids, but I am also for the rest of my life a mother. Even when my kids are asleep, even when I'm on a date, even when we spend a night away, even when my kids grow up and leave, I will always be thinking about them, thinking about kids, thinking about myself as a mom, thinking about mothering in general, thinking about mothers and babies and families around the world. I am changed forever. I am always a mom. It's not a bad thing. But it's not a part of myself that I can be separate from like I expected. I will never be able to completely be like my pre-baby self. Heck, I'll probably never be able to take a shower again without wondering if a baby/child is crying in the next room. (AmIright, moms?)
7. That I'd be an expert. If you run often enough you become a pretty good runner. If you throw a ball often enough you become an expert at pitching. If you have enough babies, the only thing you become an expert in is knowing where to look for help. Every pregnancy and every baby is different. I keep thinking that one of these times I'm going to be able to use the knowledge I gained taking care of one child with the next child, but it hasn't happened yet. They each have their own quirks and needs. The more kids I have, the more I get this itchy uncomfortable feeling that the beginning of wisdom is realizing how much you don't know. I'm pretty much an expert at changing diapers, but that's it. And only the disposable kind, because cloth diapers still baffle me.
8. That my body would be the same. After assisting in the creation and care of a new human being for TEN MONTHS (multiplied by the number of kids you've had), your body forgets how to be a body anymore. There are bits and pieces where you didn't leave them before getting pregnant. (Even your bellybutton changes! Forever!) Your hips are different and where you carry your weight. You'll feel a new anxiety at the thought of sneezing, which will be amplified greatly if you already have to go to the bathroom. Your hormones are all. Out. Of. Whack. If you're lucky, your body might snap back to some semblance of its former self, but only if you've had only one baby. Or if you're a fitness instructor or Victoria's Secret model. I imagined that since I'd always been thin and small, my body would just naturally revert to that after having a baby with no effort. Not so.

I know there must be more, but it's late and I only have free time to write at the expense of cleaning up and putting away laundry. What are some ideas you had about kids before becoming a parent?