Are You Done?

There are natural conversation-starters in this world. Children are one of them. From the time you become pregnant with your first child, you learn that you've just opened the door to innumerable conversations with perfect strangers about the subject of having kids. Some of it is helpful and, of course, some of it is idiotic. One conversation topic that keeps coming up for us is, "Are you done [with having kids]?'

Truthfully, I didn't mind the first ten times I was asked the question. I still don't really mind if the person asking is a friend or relative who's genuinely interested in the affairs of our family. But after a year or so (people have been asking us this since I was pregnant with our second child), it does start to feel a little suspicious. I don't know- if you'd started making beautiful cakes for a living and after each cake was complete, people asked you if you were finally done making cakes, you'd start to wonder if there was a hidden point to the question, wouldn't you?

For what it's worth, as much as it is up to us to decide (we recognize that sometimes God has surprises in store), we are done. Not because, as most people are ready to believe, we are overwhelmed- that three is an unmanageable number and we're somehow in over our heads and we need to quit. As I mentioned before, having three kids hasn't really been that difficult. I love each one of our kids and I will genuinely miss having a baby in our house. But it really feels as if a switch has been turned off in my mind and it's something I just don't deeply desire anymore. There's a lot less hand-wringing and nail-biting than I'd imagined in the decision not to have more kids. I'm pretty much at peace with the idea.

As Liam grew older, we struggled a lot with the decision to keep having kids or stay with two, but I felt like there was someone around that I couldn't see. It felt like someone was missing and that I was always forgetting someone when I was loading up the car or tucking kids into bed. Soon I became pregnant and I found I was actually excited about the idea of having another baby. I calculated their birth date. I thought a little bit about names. I wondered if they'd have the same birthday as Diana (they were due November 2013). I wasn't able to do all of that for long, because one day I started bleeding very heavily and felt sick with heavy heavy cramps that kept me in bed all day. I had a miscarriage. It was very early on. I probably wasn't more than five or six weeks along. But I'd been able to make plans around this little person and suddenly they weren't with us anymore. We hadn't even really gotten to know them. The excitement I felt upon learning we were expecting and the confusing depression and disappointment when I miscarried made me realize I still wanted to have more children. Thankfully, two months later God gave us our Matthew.

Now our family just feels complete. I don't look around anymore with the feeling that I'm forgetting someone unseen. Of course we'd be happy if we had another child, but it's not really in our plans.

That doesn't mean that it's easy in any way to watch our kids grow up. I'm trying to savor Matthew's baby-hood as much as humanly possible. He's almost eight months old and still not interested in solid foods, and truthfully I don't really care. Breastfeeding is still one of the most wonderful things in the world to me. Every developmental milestone is just a little bittersweet because I know it's another step toward being a toddler running around with his brother and sister. He's already too wiggly to sit in my arms for snuggles. My husband has been incredibly patient with my tendency to, within the bounds of law and order in our house, indulge him as the last baby a bit. Still, it's a little difficult. We started having kids before all our friends and now after a whirlwind four years, our baby-having days are done while they're still growing their families. I think we decided we were done before most of our family members too. So while I was able to go through the journey of pregnancy and having kids with a large community of people (especially during my last two pregnancies), I don't know anyone who's reached the end of that road yet. It's a little lonely. There are no other moms to talk to about the slight sadness of giving away baby clothes you'll never use anymore, or disassembling fixtures like the bouncer or baby swing. We have many wonderful years ahead of us with our three goofy kids, but there are no new additions to look forward to, just our kids growing up. Excuse me for a moment-

I'm better now. One wonderful thing about being part of a community of growing families is that there will never ever be a shortage of babies around! I know of three that were born in the last two months. Because of colds going around our house, I've only gotten to cuddle one of them, but there's always more time for that and I know of even more on the way in coming months. I've always enjoyed babies without being baby-crazy, but I may just end up turning into the aunt that won't put down her nieces/nephews/any other babies people will allow her to hold. (Fair warning, relatives! Hide yo' kids!)

How did you know when your family was complete? Or how do you handle people asking about it?