Ideas from my pre-parent days

I know someone who frequently makes comments about other people's ill-behaved kids. They've made it very clear they have no tolerance and complete disdain for children who act up. (They don't have children.)

Why do they tell me this? I think they share the confidence because they imagine that my kids are "good," so I must also have a natural disdain for "bad" children. I think that just illustrates how little they know us. My kids are good kids, but as a mother, there have been times a'plenty when I've seen that even good kids have bad moments (or days, or weeks, or months). Being a parent changes your perspective on a lot of things. Before having kids, my ideas about children ranged from naive (that I'd have free time) to downright delusional. (In one of my pre-baby fantasies, I sat rocking my peacefully sleeping baby wearing a white gown. WHITE.) For example, before I had kids, I thought:

1. Bad behavior = bad kids, and bad kids = bad parents. Kids are just tiny human beings still learning to keep a grip on sanity and reason for most of the day, and the smallest (and weirdest) things can set them up for failure. Even good kids will scream at the top of their lungs, throw things, and turn and run away from their moms at least once, if only because they're still learning how their world works and they want to see if they can get away with it. However, bad behavior can be influenced by too little (or too much) sleep, sleep at the wrong times of day, their diaper situation, air temperature, hunger, thirst, visiting relatives, siblings' behavior, wind direction, the presence (or absence) of their favorite toy/sweater/snack, their blood sugar, stress, uncertainty, boredom, personality, the phases of the moon, current world events, and just being a kid. Just because you see a toddler throwing a tantrum in a store once doesn't mean they've ever done it before or that they're bad kids. They may just be having a bad moment. And more importantly, it doesn't mean their parents are bad parents. I do believe that there are bad parents and bad children, but that doesn't mean that they can't ever change.
2. Our moms' stories didn't apply to me. I grew up hearing all my mom's stories about my siblings' ear infections, tantrums, sleep-walking, and food aversions. I listened to my mother-in-law talk about her kids' dealings with allergies, eczema, bad dreams, rounded feet, etc. without absorbing any of the information. Where exactly did I imagine my kids were getting their genes from? When we started dealing with allergies, eczema, bad dreams, and sleep-walking, I went back to our moms and asked them to re-tell their stories, and this time I really listened.
3. That I'd have free time. I worked throughout my first pregnancy. I planned to scale back my hours after having my baby, but keep working. In fact, I remember telling my boss, "I should still be able to get that writing done, at least for a few hours a week. I'll just be sitting at home with a baby and nothing to do." 
   
   
   
4. That the hardest thing I'd do is be a mother. Being a mom is a big job. You are the universe to one (or three!) small people. They want you to know what to do all the time. Your personality, preferences, beliefs, and actions shape the culture of an entire family. And if all you had to do was be a mother, it would still be a huge job, but if you're married, you still have to be a wife as well. ("WHAT?? You mean my husband is still going to want to spend time with me and talk about things other than the kids? He's still going to want some of my last shreds of energy to have a meaningful conversation and wonder why I don't make him lunch or put away his laundry like I used to when we were newlyweds? Who does he think he is? One of the kids??") My parents' marriage was never great that I can remember, and they ended up getting divorced around the time I got married. They come from failed marriages on both sides. If there's one thing that runs in my family, it is not doing well at marriage. The fatal blows to those and so many marriages are struck in that vulnerable time after having babies- when two people are trying to learn how to be parents and maybe end up letting go of being spouses at the same time. I had hormones that prepared my mind and body to be completely fixated on my babies. It took a huge effort to intentionally carve out some time and energy and space in my brain for my husband. But I know that (aside from being something I truly love) being his wife at the same time as being my kids' mom is one of the greatest investments I can make in my family.
5. That there was a right way to do things. Please don't hate me. Please understand. We all start out without a clue. Before I had babies, I believed a low-intervention pregnancy, a natural home birth, and breastfeeding a child were the best and therefore the right way to bring children into the world. I have learned so, so much since then. I know people who wanted to have home births but couldn't, who wanted to have a hospital birth but had their babies in cars, moms who had unplanned C-sections, moms who had scheduled C-sections, moms who had epidurals, moms who went natural. I know moms who breastfed for years, who never wanted to breastfeed, who introduced solid foods early, who just couldn't breastfeed, who exclusively pumped and bottle fed. And do you know what? All their kids are fine. Babies are born all kinds of ways. They are cared for all kinds of ways. And they almost always turn out fine. 
6. That I'd be able to turn it off. I imagined that I'd be able to effortlessly switch between "mom" and "me" whenever I had free time (see number 3). But there is no longer any difference. Of course I'm still the person I was before I had kids, but I am also for the rest of my life a mother. Even when my kids are asleep, even when I'm on a date, even when we spend a night away, even when my kids grow up and leave, I will always be thinking about them, thinking about kids, thinking about myself as a mom, thinking about mothering in general, thinking about mothers and babies and families around the world. I am changed forever. I am always a mom. It's not a bad thing. But it's not a part of myself that I can be separate from like I expected. I will never be able to completely be like my pre-baby self. Heck, I'll probably never be able to take a shower again without wondering if a baby/child is crying in the next room. (AmIright, moms?)
7. That I'd be an expert. If you run often enough you become a pretty good runner. If you throw a ball often enough you become an expert at pitching. If you have enough babies, the only thing you become an expert in is knowing where to look for help. Every pregnancy and every baby is different. I keep thinking that one of these times I'm going to be able to use the knowledge I gained taking care of one child with the next child, but it hasn't happened yet. They each have their own quirks and needs. The more kids I have, the more I get this itchy uncomfortable feeling that the beginning of wisdom is realizing how much you don't know. I'm pretty much an expert at changing diapers, but that's it. And only the disposable kind, because cloth diapers still baffle me.
8. That my body would be the same. After assisting in the creation and care of a new human being for TEN MONTHS (multiplied by the number of kids you've had), your body forgets how to be a body anymore. There are bits and pieces where you didn't leave them before getting pregnant. (Even your bellybutton changes! Forever!) Your hips are different and where you carry your weight. You'll feel a new anxiety at the thought of sneezing, which will be amplified greatly if you already have to go to the bathroom. Your hormones are all. Out. Of. Whack. If you're lucky, your body might snap back to some semblance of its former self, but only if you've had only one baby. Or if you're a fitness instructor or Victoria's Secret model. I imagined that since I'd always been thin and small, my body would just naturally revert to that after having a baby with no effort. Not so.

I know there must be more, but it's late and I only have free time to write at the expense of cleaning up and putting away laundry. What are some ideas you had about kids before becoming a parent?

The perfect day that almost wasn't

I got to do a Thing a few months ago. As luck would have it, it was on my birthday. Even more fortuitously, it was absolutely the most fun, perfect, and wonderful thing I could never have imagined (seriously, I wouldn't have ever thought to name this as my perfect birthday activity) for any special day. I didn't even get to do some of this stuff for my wedding. The entire day was an absolute delight. I will definitely share actual details, but what I really wanted to share was how that special day almost didn't happen.

My wonderful friend Valerie is a seriously wonderful wedding planner with a wonderful wedding coordination team in Portland. (Champagne Wedding Coordination. Getting married? Look them up.) She was putting together a photo shoot to feature a new event venue in Portland, and she needed models, she said. And she asked ME! (And Joseph.) I was surprised and a little shocked at first and then immediately kind of like this: 

My husband had to hear a lot of that for many weeks. Thankfully, Valerie was feeling about the same way and we kept in contact for updates about the shoot, so we got to do a lot of that sort of thing together.

Now here's the honest truth: I had just had a baby not three months before. And I had not lost all of the 35-40 lbs I'd gained during my pregnancy. As with most women, I probably noticed it more than anyone else. But it was okay- I wasn't letting it bother me because I was just enjoying being healthy and taking care of a very obviously fat and healthy baby. Because here's another truth about me: I truly believe, and I will say it all day long, that if mom and baby are healthy, there is no need to worry about weight loss after pregnancy. I know people who go bananas trying to lose weight right after giving birth- counting calories, working out (maybe sooner than they should), going on diets, constantly using the phrase "goal weight," etc. Look, I don't like carrying around extra weight any more than the next girl, but I've always had a high metabolism and I didn't want to do anything that would jeopardize my (admittedly ample) milk supply, so when it came to losing weight after having Matthew, I was content to work out enough to feel good and eat healthy food and see how weight loss went. It wasn't my focus. I was happy with my body the way it was, extra pounds and all.

Or was I?

I never told Valerie any of this. (Sorry, Valerie!) As the weeks went on, I began to get slightly nervous. It became apparent that this wasn't just dressing up and taking some pictures. She was planning a full fictional wedding and putting great thought into details about her vision for all the elements of the shoot and choosing only the best vendors. In particular, when she showed me the dresses she had picked out... well, first I did this: 

But I started to get nervous as well. Because it's one thing to feel comfortable with your own body around your husband and family and even going around your small town. It's another thing to feel confident enough to be a very visible piece in someone's gorgeous wedding photo shoot, which had a chance at being published on blogs that had a very large audience. It was possible that many, many people would see me. And though they'd never seen me before, and for all they knew I could have looked my best, they would still see me a little rounder than I used to be, and certainly heavier than most model brides.

I even asked Valerie at one point if she wouldn't rather hire professional models. She assured me that we would be great. (My husband has no lack of confidence, so he was not going through the same struggles I was.) Despite her reassurances, I started looking through more of Champagne's past photo shoots to see what I could expect/compare myself to past models and feeling nervous became feeling stressed. I worried about how I looked daily. I made more of an effort to work out, but most shamefully, I stopped eating. As the shoot got closer, I went for several days at a time eating barely anything. I even considered asking Valerie if she had a backup because I didn't know if I could/should do the shoot at my present weight. Unfortunately, because I ate so little at the same time as Matthew had his three month growth spurt, my supply dropped and I struggled to keep up with his demand. For the first time, he became sad and fussy while nursing, as if there wasn't enough there. 

I did drop a lot of weight before the shoot, but that was kind of a low point for me. Breastfeeding is my "thing." It is one of the things I am immensely proud of, because I believe in it and because I fought for it so hard for it with all of my kids. I feel incredibly personally satisfied when I see my babies growing big and strong and fat and smart without depending on anything but me for sustenance. That's all aside from the emotional satisfaction of snuggling and bonding with a baby while nursing. When I saw that Matthew was not getting what he needed from me, I was forced to confront the fact my actions were completely contradictory to my beliefs about postpartum weight loss. 

I had to pull myself together for a major mental readjustment. I had some soul-searching conversations with Joseph which (as usual) helped me begin to get the right frame of mind. And instead of working out and depriving myself of food to lose the last few pregnancy pounds before the shoot (I could have made it to my pre-pregnancy weight, too, if I'd kept up with it!), I decided that Matthew's needs came before my vanity. I decided to be curvier but happier. I decided to trust Valerie's judgment in choosing me. (She is the professional, after all.) I decided that the rest of the pounds would come off in their own time, but I wasn't going to force them right then. 

And suddenly, instead of a looming, intimidating event, the day became something I looked forward to. I was so much happier, and so was everyone around me. My weight didn't drop, but it didn't go up either, and my supply came back and we got through Matthew's growth spurt. And because I decided to wrestle my vanity to the floor, tie it up, and throw it in a closet, THIS was the result. Go ahead, follow the link. Look through the whole gallery. I'll give you a minute.

Isn't it stunning?? 

First, I'd like you to notice Valerie's brilliance, and how all the beautiful, fresh details that she thought up in her own creative noggin came together to create an absolutely gorgeous Tuscan themed wedding. 

Then I'd like you to note the talent of all the vendors who contributed to the shoot, from the owner of Opal 28 who made such a beautiful modern venue, to the brilliant photographer, the dessert caterer who made the gorgeous, sweet, real cakes and desserts, the florist! The jewelry designer! The stationary designer! And my drop-dead-stunning hair and makeup! 

And then finally, I'd like you to notice how unnoticeable my few extra pounds are. You can probably see them, now that I've pointed it out, but mostly you probably notice (as you should) the heavenly dresses, veil, hairstyles, jewelry, or really anything other than my weight. 

If I'd allowed my vanity to get the better of me, I would have missed out on one of the best days of my life. I got to spend it with Joseph acting like a bride and groom again. I got to hang out with Valerie. I got to fulfill a lifelong dream of having a professional do my hair and makeup for the day and I met some wonderful, interesting people. I got to relax, dress up like a princess, and smile and kiss my husband on demand, essentially reliving my wedding day but with incredibly talented professional planning and coordination. Seriously. There was no downside. Plus there was cake. CAKE. 

So now I can say with even greater conviction than before that there is no need to worry about weight loss after pregnancy. If it's not for health, then it's basically for vanity, and mine caused me to lose focus on what was important and nearly kept me from some of the most fun I've ever had. I wasn't at my pre-pregnancy goal weight. I'm still not. And I can now confidently say, 

I want to be healthy, but my life is too full of important things to stress about something as unimportant as quickly losing weight. 

(P.S. I recently discovered the site www.reactiongifs.com. I can't get out. Send help.)