The perfect day that almost wasn't

I got to do a Thing a few months ago. As luck would have it, it was on my birthday. Even more fortuitously, it was absolutely the most fun, perfect, and wonderful thing I could never have imagined (seriously, I wouldn't have ever thought to name this as my perfect birthday activity) for any special day. I didn't even get to do some of this stuff for my wedding. The entire day was an absolute delight. I will definitely share actual details, but what I really wanted to share was how that special day almost didn't happen.

My wonderful friend Valerie is a seriously wonderful wedding planner with a wonderful wedding coordination team in Portland. (Champagne Wedding Coordination. Getting married? Look them up.) She was putting together a photo shoot to feature a new event venue in Portland, and she needed models, she said. And she asked ME! (And Joseph.) I was surprised and a little shocked at first and then immediately kind of like this: 

My husband had to hear a lot of that for many weeks. Thankfully, Valerie was feeling about the same way and we kept in contact for updates about the shoot, so we got to do a lot of that sort of thing together.

Now here's the honest truth: I had just had a baby not three months before. And I had not lost all of the 35-40 lbs I'd gained during my pregnancy. As with most women, I probably noticed it more than anyone else. But it was okay- I wasn't letting it bother me because I was just enjoying being healthy and taking care of a very obviously fat and healthy baby. Because here's another truth about me: I truly believe, and I will say it all day long, that if mom and baby are healthy, there is no need to worry about weight loss after pregnancy. I know people who go bananas trying to lose weight right after giving birth- counting calories, working out (maybe sooner than they should), going on diets, constantly using the phrase "goal weight," etc. Look, I don't like carrying around extra weight any more than the next girl, but I've always had a high metabolism and I didn't want to do anything that would jeopardize my (admittedly ample) milk supply, so when it came to losing weight after having Matthew, I was content to work out enough to feel good and eat healthy food and see how weight loss went. It wasn't my focus. I was happy with my body the way it was, extra pounds and all.

Or was I?

I never told Valerie any of this. (Sorry, Valerie!) As the weeks went on, I began to get slightly nervous. It became apparent that this wasn't just dressing up and taking some pictures. She was planning a full fictional wedding and putting great thought into details about her vision for all the elements of the shoot and choosing only the best vendors. In particular, when she showed me the dresses she had picked out... well, first I did this: 

But I started to get nervous as well. Because it's one thing to feel comfortable with your own body around your husband and family and even going around your small town. It's another thing to feel confident enough to be a very visible piece in someone's gorgeous wedding photo shoot, which had a chance at being published on blogs that had a very large audience. It was possible that many, many people would see me. And though they'd never seen me before, and for all they knew I could have looked my best, they would still see me a little rounder than I used to be, and certainly heavier than most model brides.

I even asked Valerie at one point if she wouldn't rather hire professional models. She assured me that we would be great. (My husband has no lack of confidence, so he was not going through the same struggles I was.) Despite her reassurances, I started looking through more of Champagne's past photo shoots to see what I could expect/compare myself to past models and feeling nervous became feeling stressed. I worried about how I looked daily. I made more of an effort to work out, but most shamefully, I stopped eating. As the shoot got closer, I went for several days at a time eating barely anything. I even considered asking Valerie if she had a backup because I didn't know if I could/should do the shoot at my present weight. Unfortunately, because I ate so little at the same time as Matthew had his three month growth spurt, my supply dropped and I struggled to keep up with his demand. For the first time, he became sad and fussy while nursing, as if there wasn't enough there. 

I did drop a lot of weight before the shoot, but that was kind of a low point for me. Breastfeeding is my "thing." It is one of the things I am immensely proud of, because I believe in it and because I fought for it so hard for it with all of my kids. I feel incredibly personally satisfied when I see my babies growing big and strong and fat and smart without depending on anything but me for sustenance. That's all aside from the emotional satisfaction of snuggling and bonding with a baby while nursing. When I saw that Matthew was not getting what he needed from me, I was forced to confront the fact my actions were completely contradictory to my beliefs about postpartum weight loss. 

I had to pull myself together for a major mental readjustment. I had some soul-searching conversations with Joseph which (as usual) helped me begin to get the right frame of mind. And instead of working out and depriving myself of food to lose the last few pregnancy pounds before the shoot (I could have made it to my pre-pregnancy weight, too, if I'd kept up with it!), I decided that Matthew's needs came before my vanity. I decided to be curvier but happier. I decided to trust Valerie's judgment in choosing me. (She is the professional, after all.) I decided that the rest of the pounds would come off in their own time, but I wasn't going to force them right then. 

And suddenly, instead of a looming, intimidating event, the day became something I looked forward to. I was so much happier, and so was everyone around me. My weight didn't drop, but it didn't go up either, and my supply came back and we got through Matthew's growth spurt. And because I decided to wrestle my vanity to the floor, tie it up, and throw it in a closet, THIS was the result. Go ahead, follow the link. Look through the whole gallery. I'll give you a minute.

Isn't it stunning?? 

First, I'd like you to notice Valerie's brilliance, and how all the beautiful, fresh details that she thought up in her own creative noggin came together to create an absolutely gorgeous Tuscan themed wedding. 

Then I'd like you to note the talent of all the vendors who contributed to the shoot, from the owner of Opal 28 who made such a beautiful modern venue, to the brilliant photographer, the dessert caterer who made the gorgeous, sweet, real cakes and desserts, the florist! The jewelry designer! The stationary designer! And my drop-dead-stunning hair and makeup! 

And then finally, I'd like you to notice how unnoticeable my few extra pounds are. You can probably see them, now that I've pointed it out, but mostly you probably notice (as you should) the heavenly dresses, veil, hairstyles, jewelry, or really anything other than my weight. 

If I'd allowed my vanity to get the better of me, I would have missed out on one of the best days of my life. I got to spend it with Joseph acting like a bride and groom again. I got to hang out with Valerie. I got to fulfill a lifelong dream of having a professional do my hair and makeup for the day and I met some wonderful, interesting people. I got to relax, dress up like a princess, and smile and kiss my husband on demand, essentially reliving my wedding day but with incredibly talented professional planning and coordination. Seriously. There was no downside. Plus there was cake. CAKE. 

So now I can say with even greater conviction than before that there is no need to worry about weight loss after pregnancy. If it's not for health, then it's basically for vanity, and mine caused me to lose focus on what was important and nearly kept me from some of the most fun I've ever had. I wasn't at my pre-pregnancy goal weight. I'm still not. And I can now confidently say, 

I want to be healthy, but my life is too full of important things to stress about something as unimportant as quickly losing weight. 

(P.S. I recently discovered the site www.reactiongifs.com. I can't get out. Send help.)

One month: We made it!

Matthew and his one month accomplishments!

With each baby I remember my mother-in-law's advice to circle the date on the calendar a month after the baby is born. That way in the dark times during the first month when nothing is right, you can look at the calendar and know that at that point, almost all the problems you're facing will be resolved. It has been great advice.

February 2014 will be known in our memories as the month we all made it through (barely). 

Matthew was born an incredibly healthy baby, praise God! He also naturally put himself on a schedule of being asleep for about four hours and awake for an hour or two. We can work with that kind of schedule. I had to get stitches, which I wasn't happy about, but which I was also pretty much expecting. Our difficulties the first couple of weeks mostly involved my recovery. (Spoiler: getting stitches down there is not fun at all and kind of affects everything you want to do, including sitting up, moving around, and walking.) I seemed to be getting better, and then something happened at about two weeks and suddenly my stitches started pulling and stinging. It was so discouraging, since stitches are easily my least favorite part of recovery. I talked with my midwife about it and she said that because of the way she'd had to tie the stitches, they might not have dissolved and may need to be removed. That elicited one of my two breakdowns during our first month. I just broke down and cried at the thought of anyone having to mess with my stitches at all. It probably had nothing at all to do with post-pregnancy hormones. ;) Thankfully, a friend read that I was having problems and stopped by with a bag to help me feel better. It had cold packs, homeopathic arnica montana tablets, a donut pillow, and an herbal sitz bath mix. I could have cried. It was so amazing! I used those for a couple weeks straight and miraculously one day the pain and stitches disappeared. It was such a blessing! That was something I really really wanted to heal up on its own. I'm so glad no one had to look at it or mess with it. 

Breastfeeding was also, pretty much as I expected, excruciatingly painful. I'd describe it as being stabbed repeatedly in one place over and over again. In addition, I managed to develop cracked nipples on both sides, which just made it, if possible, even more painful. I only screamed once. I only broke down sobbing once because I wanted to feed a crying baby but just couldn't face the pain. Mostly I just bit down on a rag and tried to bear it. When I developed cracks, I decided to give myself a break for about ten hours, so I just pumped and fed Matthew from a bottle during that time. After that, things got better very quickly. By about two weeks, breastfeeding was definitely bearable, and mostly painless.

Then The Cold hit.

Not the weather- no, that comes later. Liam was the first to come down with it: a productive cough even

Sick and tired Liam.

though he didn't seem to have a runny nose, and what he indicated was a headache. He was whiny and clingy and generally miserable. A couple days later, the runny nose appeared along with a high fever of 103. The fever (between 101 and 103 degrees), runny nose, and stomach upset continued for FIVE DAYS. Poor little guy just sat miserably on the couch not moving and barely keeping his eyes open the whole time. He tested negative for influenza, so as far as we could tell, he just got the worst cold ever. Three or four days after Liam got sick, Diana and I came down with the cold. Thankfully for adults it just seemed to involve a sore throat, headache, runny nose and cough. I was happy to get sick because I hoped as an EBF (Exclusively BreastFed) baby, Matthew would avoid it entirely that way. Unfortunately, it was so contagious that at the tender age of two weeks old, Matthew ended up catching it too. He didn't get the fever (thank goodness!), but he did get a runny nose and most unfortunately, a cough. It was so sad to watch a little newborn having painful coughing fits. It caused him to spit up more often than he usually did. Thankfully, he still kept gaining weight. But they definitely seemed to bother him. He snuffled and coughed and choked during the night so much that we got another humidifier for our room and put him to sleep in his swing for a couple of weeks until the drainage was mostly gone.

At the same time, there was an unusually heavy snowstorm and we ended up with over a foot of snow at our house and no way to really get out. Imagine, if you will, two sick, sleep-deprived parents, one still healing from having a baby and struggling with painful breastfeeding, the other beginning to feel the effects of cabin fever; two children with coughs and runny noses alternating being listless and being whiny because they're sick and confined to the house; and an infant with his first icky cold. There were some nice moments of family bonding, but there were also some rough times indeed.

So here we are, all healthy again, all healed again. Matthew is growing like crazy (11 lbs 11 oz at his six week appointment!), really tuning into people, and starting to give out more and more smiles. We're getting into a rhythm of being a family of five. I still take sleep where I can get it and only manage to get one thing from my long to-do list accomplished each day, but we're working on adjusting to this new normal. I've been so blessed to have the most amazing help from Joseph, our families, and our friends. They brought food, gave us space when we needed it, watched kids when we needed, and were around to just talk and help around the house. Joseph and I always talk about how we're open to moving because we love travel and new experiences, but I am incredibly grateful that we've been able to spend our family-growing years with such a wonderful community of people. I think it's that and a lot of praying that got us through the first month. I'm excited to see how life changes and keeps getting better in the months to come!

Matthew giving out baby smiles!

Christmas Card 2013

Merry Christmas! And welcome to our Christmas newsletter!

Last year there was *ahem* some disagreement about what kind of Christmas cards we should send out and what pictures we should use. (Cute Christmas cards? Do you include a picture with them? How about a newsletter? Can you just put pictures in that? What about an all-inclusive photo card...?) That culminated in not sending out any cards, so if you didn't get a card from us, it's not because we didn't think of you.

This year, though, is different! Hopefully you've gotten one of our Christmas cards. And to save the trouble (and also paper!) of writing and printing off dozens of newsletters that people may or may not care about, I just included a link to our blog where I'd post a newsletter for people who care.

And I see that *you* are one of the caring few! Aww... A special gift for you at the end of this post. If I could figure out how to make chocolate peppermint cookies appear out of your screen, I would.

So here's what we've been up to this year!

Family Adventures

One of the most exciting developments this year was when we found out we were expecting a new baby Sullivan! Baby is due January 24, 2014. We've been very happy with our choices to have home birth with a midwife for our other kids, so we're planning to do that again for this baby. Since our insurance doesn't cover this route, and since ultrasounds are crazy expensive when they're not covered by insurance, we're going to leave the gender of this baby a surprise. We're already prepared with baby girl and baby boy necessities anyway! You can check back on the main blog page to find out baby's name and gender when we do! (For the record, we were both certain this baby was a boy early on, but now we're both leaning toward girl, so anything could happen.)

Joseph in the new car in Lynchburg, VA.

With a third baby on the way and only a small, faithful sedan to our name, we knew we'd have to upgrade to a larger vehicle. Our main requirement was that the car we found would not be even a little bit like a minivan. After a lot of research, we settled on a 2012 Mazda CX-9, a sporty seven-passenger vehicle with a pretty good fuel economy.  After even more research, we found that the particular car we wanted basically didn't exist on the West Coast. The same model and year could be found in larger quantities for $5,000-$10,000 less in places like Texas, Florida, and Virginia. It made the most economic sense to buy a car from one of those places and then drive it home ourselves. Because we have good friends in Virginia, we bought our car in the Washington, D.C. area. With our two adventurous kids, we traveled from Virginia straight through the middle of the country to West Virginia, Kentucky, Illinois, Missouri, Kansas, Colorado, Utah, Idaho, and finally back to Oregon. The entire trip took about two and a half weeks. Along the way we visited friends, stopped in at some fire departments that used Active911 (more on that in the "Joseph" section), took a tour of the nation's playgrounds for leg-stretching and kids' sanity breaks, saw Monticello, visited adorable little towns and local farmer's markets, and learned to be road trip experts. There were lots of charming and picturesque places along the way, but we didn't see anything that compared to our home in the Willamette Valley in Oregon. 

The view from our future driveway.

In fact, we love living in Philomath so much that this year we bought a new piece of property in the same town, only about a mile and a half east of where we live now (in the Neaback Hill area, for those who know Philomath). It's about half an acre in a nicer part of Philomath and on a hillside, so it should have an incredible view of the town, the countryside, and the coast range with Mary's Peak (when it's not covered by clouds) when we finally build a new house. We hope that will be within the next year or two. 

In the meantime, we've still been fixing up our current house. Since buying it in 2010, we (mostly Joseph and his family) have: rewired the house, re-plumbed the entire house out to the water line at the street, removed an old porch and sidewalk, designed and planted a new front yard, poured new front and back patios, insulated and put up new sheet rock in the two bedrooms and hallway, completely torn out and remodeled the bathroom and kitchen, and installed a laundry room and a laundry sink in the garage. Our house is SO much nicer to live in now than it was even when we first bought it! This year, we: installed a new fence, designed and planted a new back yard, put carpet in the bedrooms and hallway, and had someone come to put on a new front porch (that Joseph designed and built) and redo our roof, install new skylights and doors, and replace our icky aluminum siding. The house looks great with the face lift!

Before (top) and After (bottom). Still needs a few cosmetic touches like new paint, but it's already so much better than it was!

Joseph

Joseph during a rare and relaxing weekend at the coast.

Joseph is constantly busy, which is secretly pretty much the way he likes it. There have been some particularly stressful times, but mostly he comes home every day telling us that he is the happiest man he knows and he loves his life. I'd say the year is pretty successful by those standards! 

He is still running two growing businesses. Alyrica Networks is a local wireless internet provider that he helped start about 11 years ago. They've been hiring new employees and have just reached 1,000 customers! However, he stepped away from the day-to-day operations of Alyrica about a year ago to focus on growing his newest company, Active911. Joseph created Active911 when he was part of the Philomath Fire Department and realized it would be much more useful to get information about emergency calls sent to his smart phone rather than listening to a clunky old pager all the time. He designed a messaging system that sent out much more information about each emergency to smart phones and tablets registered to a fire or police department. Emergency responders (firefighters, EMTs, police officers, etc.) using Active911 will get a text alert sent to their phone. Instead of having to hunt through giant map books in their responding vehicles to find the correct address, they also get a digital map in the same text alert that has the emergency location pinpointed, shows information about nearby fire hydrants, etc., and also shows the location and statuses of other emergency responders in the same department so they can see if there are other people on the way. It has been very useful for hundreds of fire and police departments around the country, and has saved some of them thousands of dollars. Instead of complicated and clunky computer systems for their stations and vehicles, they just need some smart phones or tablets and to pay a small fee for the Active911 service each year. Active911 is even used internationally! It's rewarding to Joseph and all his employees to know that they're building a business that is helping people and saving lives.

When he wasn't busy with work, Joseph and his coworkers and some family members joined a local city slow-pitch softball league. Even though he's athletic, Joseph has never played organized sorts before and really enjoyed the experience! He's also gotten pretty good at lap swimming while working out. To relax (as much as someone who loves working can relax), he visited New York City and San Jose del Cabo, Mexico with friends this year.

Nichole

Me and eight months of New Baby

This year I've been keeping busy being the pregnant mom of two very active little ones. It turns out you don't need much more than that to take up all your time. However, I've also been part of an International Moms Group that meets near the Oregon State University campus every week. Most of the international moms are here because their husbands are studying for advanced degrees at OSU and they are new to the country or at least Oregon. Every week we hang out and hear a speaker talk about a child health-related topic while the kids play. Occasionally we have events like cooking demonstrations and holiday parties that are lots of fun. Diana and Liam have been enjoying playing with the other kids (usually between 1.5-2 years old). I also got to take a solo trip this year back to see my friend in the D.C. area and her brand new baby!! It was so much fun seeing them (and holding a warm, snuggly baby!), but a very strange experience to be away from Joseph and the kids for four days.

Diana

Our Diana Bean turned three years old this year! She is a smart girl who loves learning, talking, reading, singing, and alternately spending quiet time by herself and spending quality time with people. We have our struggles- in particular, her eczema, which we are still trying to cope with after seeing multiple doctors- but in general, she is a happy and healthy three-year-old. She knows her alphabet well and can identify all the letters in a word and even sound out small, simple words like "dad," "cat," "mom," etc. I think she will be excited to start reading. She has already memorized most of the stories in her books anyway. She likes the library, playing at parks, and roughhousing or going on walks and stargazing

Diana the flower girl

with her dad. She is beginning to be interested in Disney Princesses (Yessss! Soon I'll be able to justify a trip to Disneyland!), but still loves trucks, trains, and robots. Some of her favorite books right now are, Good Night, Good Night, Construction Site and Steam Train, Dream Train. This year, Diana got to be the flower girl in a friend's wedding, and what an adorable flower girl she was! She loved her "princess dress," and still talks about weddings. According to Diana, a wedding is when you get married, but most importantly, there is a party with cake and FIRE! (Her fire obsession may lead to a career in the fire department like her daddy.) 

Liam

There never was a louder, goofier, happier, more energetic or people-loving boy than Liam. He is incredibly good-natured. He's a year and a half old now, and running and roaring around everywhere, creating happy chaos. He doesn't speak in sentences, but he knows a lot of words and communicates well by using the words he knows and his incredibly expressive face. Mostly he loves to laugh and be with people. Currently he has a small obsession with Elmo and Cookie Monster. He also likes for people to read books to him, but mostly if there are lots of sound effects and hand gestures to accompany the story. He loves his sister, and he loves babies. I hope this will still be the case when the new baby comes along. Right now he has three baby cousins under six months old, and two of them live nearby. He loves those babies. I think he'll make a good big brother.

Our 2013 was full of growing families, growing businesses, travel, home improvements, and happy, busy times with friends and family. I don't think you can ask for much more than that. We have been incredibly blessed. We look forward to 2014, especially meeting the newest member of our family.

And now, for you caring few, a selection of hilarious pictures that we didn't include in the Christmas cards because there was always someone or other who didn't look quite right. Enjoy, Merry Christmas, and have a happy New Year!

This picture would be adorable... if Liam didn't look like he didn't trust the photographer...

Great picture of mom and dad. Diana looks very relaxed and Liam again looks like he is suspicious of everyone.

And, for what it's worth, a picture showing that Liam was actually happy during the photo shoot.

One month on

This has to be quick since I'm writing during that precious, rare and magical time in which both children are napping at once.

Some of the best baby advice I ever received was from my mother-in-law, a wonderful woman who had 13 amazing children, so she knows babies pretty well. When my husband and I went to his parents' house shortly after Diana was born, probably with haggard and desperate looks in our eyes, she told me that she always used to circle the date on the calendar one month after the baby was born. Then, in the middle of the late, tired nights and long hectic days when it seemed like things would never be the same again, she could look at the calendar and know that most of the seemingly overwhelming problems associated with having a new baby would be resolved by that day.

She was absolutely right! I've found that to be true for both of my babies. Despite bouts of mastitis, thrush, and some excruciating breastfeeding problems, I am feeling almost back to normal. Our nursing problems may be related to the fact that Liam seems unable to open his mouth quite as wide when he turns his head to his right side. That possibly accounted for our latch problems and may be something we can fix with some gentle physical therapy. In the meantime, I just switched my positioning to the "football hold" on my left side and we can now nurse painlessly. The other side just healed itself once I worked with him a little bit to train him to open his mouth wider. I realize again just what a wonderful, natural and convenient thing nursing is. Hallelujah!

Liam is a healthy growing boy. He still mostly sleeps four hours at a time, but he's starting to spend more time awake after feedings looking around and occasionally giving out precious giant baby smiles. Mostly he seems to like smiling at his daddy. Go figure. I got a daddy's girl and a daddy's boy. ;) I don't really mind. I love that our kids seem to love Joseph right off the bat.

Our biggest trouble with Liam isn't really too bad at all. He puts himself on a four hour feeding schedule, but often he wakes up to eat exactly when Diana is going to sleep- robbing me of a chance to get anything done (or, you know, sleep)- and goes to sleep just when Diana is waking up. Sleep deprivation is starting to really catch up with me, so we wanted to try massaging his natural schedule into something more convenient for us. If everything goes well, it even allows time for me to get some cleaning and personal time. We started this schedule just a couple of days ago, much later than we started with Diana, mostly because her natural schedule was a little more demanding and we needed to make her fit into our lifestyle or go completely crazy and never spend any time with each other until she was several years old. Since Liam was so reasonable, we gave him more leeway.

Of course, once we made plans, life changed. I took some allergy medicine that made Liam especially drowsy, so I had to try waking him up to feed, but he didn't seem particularly interested in eating. I tried some different allergy medicine that unfortunately had the same effect on him. At the same time, Diana and I both caught a cold that Joseph had, so now we're all just trying to catch sleep when we can. I'm getting up to feed Liam whenever he wakes up, since he sometimes sleeps for 10 hours (until the medicine passes through my system) and is ravenous when he wakes up.

Overall, colds and allergies aside, life is going well. I'm even starting to do some light working out which feels amazing! I'll post more updates about Diana and our family later.

Advice from Mom

Life is so much better now than it was in my Life with Liam post. We're still trying to figure some things out, but life seems much more manageable now.

However...

Back in the dark days (actually, only a week ago- it's hard to believe things can change so quickly!) when breastfeeding was still absolute agony, I reached the end of my rope. In all honesty, it probably wasn't the first time that day, but there I was around 11 PM: tired, alone (Joseph was out that evening) and being screamed at by a baby who wanted food AGAIN. That was all I could take that day, and with no one else to talk to, I wrote a short exasperated email to my mom. I would have called her, but she was out of the country. Her advice to me was so good (and eerily accurate) that I just had to share it.

Me: "I hate everything about breastfeeding!!!! Why does this have to be such a problem?!?!?!?!? He just downed a 4.5 oz bottle an hour and a half ago and he’s yelling again. WHY ME??????"


Mom: "Hi Baby Girl,

I was thinking about you this morning and wondering how everything is going. It can take 4-6 weeks for nursing to become second nature...again. You will be so happy you stuck with it. 'Why?!!', you may implore. One word: oxytocin. This hormone is a gift from God to all mothers...indeed to all peoples everywhere. It keeps exhausted, fussy moms on the verge of joining their toddlers and infants in a temper tantrum instead blessedly calm, serene, and a bit forgetful. "Who cares if the dog threw up in the corner, the toddler finger painted in it and then played in the mountain of clean laundry with said befouled digits all while the phone rang and dinner burned?", the nursing mother puzzles. She smiles lazily and snuggles in with her infant while turning on any cartoon that will immobilize the toddler long enough for her to catch her breath, re-order her priorities (Shower? Naah. Brush teeth? Hopefully.), and marvel in the wonderful cocktail of hormones bathing her brain and calming her spirit. She gives thanks to the Lord and looks forward to the next feeding.

Really! It happens. Keep a brief log of the shenanigans that multiple kiddos (& pets) bring into your life. You will be amazed! And know that mothers deserve praise the other 364 days of the year too. ;o)"

How she knew that that morning the dog had thrown up on the floor, forcing me to put Liam down in the middle of nursing (causing him to scream) to clean it up while shooing Diana away from it and the floor cleaner I was using (causing her to cry) is beyond me. But she was absolutely right. Moms have a special talent for that. I'm still waiting to receive that talent. Nursing is easy again, praise God! I can feel myself getting wound up tighter and tighter during the day as my plans fall apart and my toddler and dog wreck my clean house and Liam screams to be fed while I change him, but when I finally do sit down, I feel elated and then calm and happy. Breastfeeding hormones really are designed to keep mothers sane. As I sit next to Diana who is being distracted for a few blissful moments by an episode of Kipper and snuggle with Liam, even in the midst of toppled piles of laundry, dog hair, globs of oatmeal spilled on the floor and scattered stuffed animals, I feel happy and peaceful.

Life with Liam

Liam

Happy Liam! You can see his dimple in this picture. :)

Liam is a very healthy, very laid-back little boy. A few days after he was born, he lost a few ounces and weighed in at 8 lbs 2 oz. In about a week, he was back up to 8 lbs 13 oz and at 18 days old he weighed 9 lbs 5 oz. He has deep dark blue eyes and is getting more dark hair. Unlike Diana as a baby, he only really cries when he wakes up for food and right before he goes to sleep. (But only sometimes. He ends up falling asleep eating about half the time.) If he does spend time awake, he just likes looking around quietly at everything and everyone. He (mercifully) has naturally put himself on a four hour feeding schedule. If I feed him at 8 PM, I can be almost certain that he will wake up around midnight for another feeding. That is very convenient during the day when I need to get things done and take care of Diana. The only unfortunate thing about his schedule right now is that he seems to believe the day begins at 8 PM. He spends most of the day eating and sleeping, but after his 8 PM feeding he wants to look around and gets fussy if he isn't held. Our little boy loves to snuggle with people. In fact, he wants to spend most of the time from 8 PM to 6 AM eating and looking around and being cuddled. This makes for some tricky sleepless nights since Diana wakes up at 7:30 AM. So far it has meant me nursing Liam at midnight and then Joey staying up with him until he falls asleep or until his next feeding around 4 AM. Then Joseph has to sleep in the next day while I wrangle Diana and Liam in the morning.

Sleeping schedule aside, I love having a little baby to snuggle. I love the way he smells and how warm and little he is. We're still deciding whether we'll have more kids, so I'm trying to really enjoy having a little Liam to love. I love Diana dearly, but she is definitely way more energetic and doesn't hold still for much hugging or snuggling. 

Diana

Diana doesn't seem too concerned about Liam. For the first week, she barely acknowledged him and wouldn't say his name. She actually insisted he was "Ella" or "Emmy" (her girl cousins down the street) for a while. Now she recognizes and calls him "Leem," points out that he has eyes, ears, nose and mouth, sometimes gives him kisses and tells me when he is "sad." She also, terrifyingly, occasionally says "hold it!" and tries to pick Liam up out of his swing. When she gets tired of having to play on her own while I feed Liam, she will come over and push on the Boppy nursing pillow and insist I put him "down!" 

She has predictably become a little more weepy. I hear it's common when a new baby comes along, since he gets attention when he cries. We are trying to distinguish between being a "big girl" and acting like a baby. 

Mostly Diana is doing very well with the new addition. While she's not incredibly interested in him yet, she also seems to have accepted that he is a nice new part of our family. I expect that as he grows up, she will enjoy having a little brother more!

My Recovery

Some parts of my recovery have been much better than with Diana. I know how to handle a newborn, so I don't feel as lost and helpless. Diana has a schedule, so I don't have to worry about making one up from scratch. I haven't had a problem with my stitches healing up. So far, the biggest obstacle to my recovery has been related to breastfeeding.

My mom was a lactation consultant, so I grew up with her breastfeeding me and my younger siblings, advising women who came over to our house, and preaching about all the wonders of breastfeeding. I believe she was right and that breastfeeding is the right thing for me and my babies. However, as I found with Diana, it is not the beautiful, easy, natural process people make it out to be.

Breastfeeding is hell. If I didn't have a personal commitment to nursing my babies for at LEAST the first six months (Diana naturally weaned herself shortly after I got pregnant when she was about ten months old), I would have quit and used formula long ago. Nothing has been easy with Liam. He has a very strong suck, which HURTS like nothing else even though I'd nursed Diana. I expected it to be painless with the second child! And while there was no cracking or bleeding of the nipples like with Diana (thank goodness!), something was definitely not right. For the past three weeks, I've graduated from screaming and sometimes crying every time he ate to biting down on a rag to avoid screaming and frightening him to just gritting my teeth. About a week after he was born, I developed mastitis, complete with soreness, fever, and that sensitive aching feeling that comes with being sick- which just made the excruciating pain of nursing that much worse. After a few days of lots of sleep, pumping milk, and some nasty vinegar-water-honey concoctions, the mastitis cleared up. However, nursing was still incredibly painful. Liam had a very narrow latch, which we figured out was due to thrush. (I thought his very white tongue was just due to milk residue.) Thankfully, around the time we discovered the thrush, we took Liam to the doctor to be circumcised and she prescribed Nystatin drops. That seems to be helping to clear up his thrush, and I've been taking acidophilus supplements to help with any yeast problems I may have. So far he seems more willing to take more of the breast into his mouth (since I suspect it doesn't hurt his tongue as much), which makes nursing MUCH easier for me. There have even been a couple times in the last day or so when I was only vaguely uncomfortable while nursing him. It was a big improvement.

Just to be clear, I know that breastfeeding isn't always this bad. I got off to a very rough start with Diana as well for different reasons and I remember that after a month or two, nursing was easy and enjoyable. In fact, I really missed it when Diana weaned herself. I loved the connection and the snuggling time. (And how about those happy hormones after a let down! They make everything in the world better!) I have great hope that the same will be true for Liam, although it appears it might take a little longer with him.

So far there hasn't been much of a problem with the baby blues. The few times I got really emotional were mostly due to exhaustion, reluctance to feed Liam because of the unbearable pain, and wavering between extremes of feeling like everyone needs something from me at once and feeling like no one really needs me. We had so much help from family taking care of Diana and the house after Liam was born. There were some days when I hardly saw Diana at all, and since I couldn't do anything with her like pick her up, play with her or run around with her outside for a week or two, she seemed to stop wanting or needing me. Where she used to get excited and say "Mama!!" or need me to hold her when she was hurt, she now started to ask for "Daddy" or "Annies" (Aunties). It was so hard. I didn't have much energy to give her, but I missed having my little girl who had been with me constantly for so long. That feeling was good for a couple of late night breakdowns. Now that Joey has mostly gone back to work, Diana and I spend more time together and I feel like we're starting to connect again, which is a wonderful feeling. I love Liam dearly, and I love to hold and talk to him and snuggle him, but it's a little difficult to fully connect with someone who doesn't seem to notice you except to demand something of you. I found that life with Diana got much more enjoyable after a month or two when she seemed to start recognizing and interacting with us. I know that will change with Liam.

That's what life has been like so far in the last three weeks. There are definitely challenges, but it's not as bad as it could be, and I know it will all get easier. Hopefully I can find time to keep this updated as the weeks fly by!