Advice to moms

The dark days of having a newborn are mostly behind us and it is marvelous. However, I stumbled on this document that I wrote shortly after having Diana. It's a collection of advice and reminders I intended for other new moms and for myself when I had another baby. It was based on my experiences as a shell-shocked new mother, so it carries the notes of my desperation. I found these things to be as true after having Liam as they were when I had Diana, so I thought I'd share them.

As a brand new mother, I felt like I had been duped. People will tell you in vague terms that having a baby is "hard" and "an adjustment," but I felt like there were so many vital things that no one ever mentioned to me. Instead I had to learn them on my own. In retrospect, it seems that the best and maybe the only way any mother will ever learn these sorts of things is on her own. Even if someone had explained these to me, I doubt I would have listened much or known how much they would affect me.

Things I wish I'd known before having a baby

• Things WILL get better down there- you will walk, exercise and have sex again.
• You will probably overproduce milk (regulation takes 3-4 weeks). For what it's worth, my body regulated itself within about a week with my second child, but for the first four weeks with my first, it was basically not worth it to even wear clothes or put any on her. I would just soak them all within a few hours. I felt almost inhuman sometimes. It gets better, it just takes a few weeks. In the meantime, pump and store. That three week growth spurt comes up faster than you'd expect. And there's a chance that at some point in your life you'll want to get extra sleep or let someone else watch the baby and it always helps to have a bottle around for that.
• Nursing, the most natural thing in the world, is not. Breastfeeding. sweet heavens, the breastfeeding. You may scream. You may wonder if God is punishing ALL of your lady parts. If you meet someone who tells you that breastfeeding is the most sweet and natural thing in the world, hit them in the face. Aim for the jaw. It will be an excellent catharsis for all the stress you store up in your body over any of the multitude of problems you may be experiencing just trying to feed your voracious crocodile hungry baby. You are not the only one who has been found in the early hours of the morning sobbing over your child who is crying for food (again) because you just don't want to expose your aching nipples to more agony. There are others. It will get better. Give it a month. If you are resolved to breastfeed your child no matter what, you may JUST make it. It will make you a stronger person than you thought you could ever be. Spoiler: it does not get easier with subsequent children, the problems just become more familiar.
• Sometimes your attitude really is everything- Be positive. I had so many problems recovering after having my first child, that sometimes a positive attitude was really the only thing I had. No matter what was actually going on, when people asked me how everything was going, I told them that things were better and better every day. Eventually that was actually the case. (This also works with childbirth- don't get discouraged or let yourself think you can't do it. There's no point in that kind of thinking.)
• Talk to other mothers- Experienced ones (your own, if possible) and other new ones. It helps so much to know you're not alone. 
• The most valuable thing anyone ever said to me was "you're doing a good job"- Affirmation that you're the best mother to your baby is invaluable. As long as I live, I will never forget that every time my mother saw me, she told me "you're doing such a good job" whether she actually saw me doing anything motherly or not. It left me with the strong desire to only ever be positive and supportive to new mothers.
• No one will hold the first month against you- The first month will knock you off your feet. You may feel like a little atomic bomb has exploded in your life. Rest assured no one will care if you cry randomly, worry about everything, get frustrated at nothing, can't keep the house clean, can't cook or do laundry or even think about work. Circle the date on the calendar four weeks from when your baby is born. When you feel that nothing will ever be the same again, look at the calendar and know that almost all the problems you're dealing with in the first few weeks will be resolved by then.
• Sleep when the baby sleeps- Get a few things done around the house if you need to for sanity's sake, but get sleep whenever possible. SLEEP IS THE GREATEST GOOD.
• NOTHING will prepare you for the reality of having your own baby- Not time or skill with other children, nothing.
• Your birth will not go as planned- Childbirth is a HUGE event, and like other big events (weddings, parties, etc.), something will probably not follow your plan. Be flexible, be forgiving to yourself
• Enjoy your baby- Your child won't always fall asleep on you. Cuddle them while you can. Enjoy their laughter, their warmth, their baby smell and how they grow. Other demands on your time can wait.
• If you ever feel proud or satisfied with yourself, you should! You were just an integral part of a miracle. Your little one needs you most.
• Accept help from anyone who offers it- As you will sometimes feel all too keenly, you can't do this alone. It really does take a village to raise a child. Let people be part of your support team. It will make them feel good too.
• There may not be an instant bond- You will probably instantly and instinctively feel protective of your new little person, but they may not instantly reciprocate. It can be discouraging when, for the first few weeks, baby doesn't even notice you except when they're demanding something of you (not the baby's fault). It can be disheartening when the first smile and laugh go to someone else, or if someone else is more effective at soothing your baby than you. My first child is a daddy's girl, and when she was first born, I swore that if she hadn't needed me for food, she wouldn't have even liked me. You're a grown-up, and the unconditional love you feel for your baby is sometimes one-sided, but you're still the best mommy for your baby, and in time they'll come to feel it too.
• Welcome to sainthood- Sometimes, NO ONE will notice or appreciate the selfless things you do. don't expect your child to truly appreciate it until they have children of their own.

Does anyone else have things they wish they'd known before having kids? Comment and share!

Advice from Mom

Life is so much better now than it was in my Life with Liam post. We're still trying to figure some things out, but life seems much more manageable now.

However...

Back in the dark days (actually, only a week ago- it's hard to believe things can change so quickly!) when breastfeeding was still absolute agony, I reached the end of my rope. In all honesty, it probably wasn't the first time that day, but there I was around 11 PM: tired, alone (Joseph was out that evening) and being screamed at by a baby who wanted food AGAIN. That was all I could take that day, and with no one else to talk to, I wrote a short exasperated email to my mom. I would have called her, but she was out of the country. Her advice to me was so good (and eerily accurate) that I just had to share it.

Me: "I hate everything about breastfeeding!!!! Why does this have to be such a problem?!?!?!?!? He just downed a 4.5 oz bottle an hour and a half ago and he’s yelling again. WHY ME??????"


Mom: "Hi Baby Girl,

I was thinking about you this morning and wondering how everything is going. It can take 4-6 weeks for nursing to become second nature...again. You will be so happy you stuck with it. 'Why?!!', you may implore. One word: oxytocin. This hormone is a gift from God to all mothers...indeed to all peoples everywhere. It keeps exhausted, fussy moms on the verge of joining their toddlers and infants in a temper tantrum instead blessedly calm, serene, and a bit forgetful. "Who cares if the dog threw up in the corner, the toddler finger painted in it and then played in the mountain of clean laundry with said befouled digits all while the phone rang and dinner burned?", the nursing mother puzzles. She smiles lazily and snuggles in with her infant while turning on any cartoon that will immobilize the toddler long enough for her to catch her breath, re-order her priorities (Shower? Naah. Brush teeth? Hopefully.), and marvel in the wonderful cocktail of hormones bathing her brain and calming her spirit. She gives thanks to the Lord and looks forward to the next feeding.

Really! It happens. Keep a brief log of the shenanigans that multiple kiddos (& pets) bring into your life. You will be amazed! And know that mothers deserve praise the other 364 days of the year too. ;o)"

How she knew that that morning the dog had thrown up on the floor, forcing me to put Liam down in the middle of nursing (causing him to scream) to clean it up while shooing Diana away from it and the floor cleaner I was using (causing her to cry) is beyond me. But she was absolutely right. Moms have a special talent for that. I'm still waiting to receive that talent. Nursing is easy again, praise God! I can feel myself getting wound up tighter and tighter during the day as my plans fall apart and my toddler and dog wreck my clean house and Liam screams to be fed while I change him, but when I finally do sit down, I feel elated and then calm and happy. Breastfeeding hormones really are designed to keep mothers sane. As I sit next to Diana who is being distracted for a few blissful moments by an episode of Kipper and snuggle with Liam, even in the midst of toppled piles of laundry, dog hair, globs of oatmeal spilled on the floor and scattered stuffed animals, I feel happy and peaceful.

Liam's birth announcement

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Life with Liam

Liam

Happy Liam! You can see his dimple in this picture. :)

Liam is a very healthy, very laid-back little boy. A few days after he was born, he lost a few ounces and weighed in at 8 lbs 2 oz. In about a week, he was back up to 8 lbs 13 oz and at 18 days old he weighed 9 lbs 5 oz. He has deep dark blue eyes and is getting more dark hair. Unlike Diana as a baby, he only really cries when he wakes up for food and right before he goes to sleep. (But only sometimes. He ends up falling asleep eating about half the time.) If he does spend time awake, he just likes looking around quietly at everything and everyone. He (mercifully) has naturally put himself on a four hour feeding schedule. If I feed him at 8 PM, I can be almost certain that he will wake up around midnight for another feeding. That is very convenient during the day when I need to get things done and take care of Diana. The only unfortunate thing about his schedule right now is that he seems to believe the day begins at 8 PM. He spends most of the day eating and sleeping, but after his 8 PM feeding he wants to look around and gets fussy if he isn't held. Our little boy loves to snuggle with people. In fact, he wants to spend most of the time from 8 PM to 6 AM eating and looking around and being cuddled. This makes for some tricky sleepless nights since Diana wakes up at 7:30 AM. So far it has meant me nursing Liam at midnight and then Joey staying up with him until he falls asleep or until his next feeding around 4 AM. Then Joseph has to sleep in the next day while I wrangle Diana and Liam in the morning.

Sleeping schedule aside, I love having a little baby to snuggle. I love the way he smells and how warm and little he is. We're still deciding whether we'll have more kids, so I'm trying to really enjoy having a little Liam to love. I love Diana dearly, but she is definitely way more energetic and doesn't hold still for much hugging or snuggling. 

Diana

Diana doesn't seem too concerned about Liam. For the first week, she barely acknowledged him and wouldn't say his name. She actually insisted he was "Ella" or "Emmy" (her girl cousins down the street) for a while. Now she recognizes and calls him "Leem," points out that he has eyes, ears, nose and mouth, sometimes gives him kisses and tells me when he is "sad." She also, terrifyingly, occasionally says "hold it!" and tries to pick Liam up out of his swing. When she gets tired of having to play on her own while I feed Liam, she will come over and push on the Boppy nursing pillow and insist I put him "down!" 

She has predictably become a little more weepy. I hear it's common when a new baby comes along, since he gets attention when he cries. We are trying to distinguish between being a "big girl" and acting like a baby. 

Mostly Diana is doing very well with the new addition. While she's not incredibly interested in him yet, she also seems to have accepted that he is a nice new part of our family. I expect that as he grows up, she will enjoy having a little brother more!

My Recovery

Some parts of my recovery have been much better than with Diana. I know how to handle a newborn, so I don't feel as lost and helpless. Diana has a schedule, so I don't have to worry about making one up from scratch. I haven't had a problem with my stitches healing up. So far, the biggest obstacle to my recovery has been related to breastfeeding.

My mom was a lactation consultant, so I grew up with her breastfeeding me and my younger siblings, advising women who came over to our house, and preaching about all the wonders of breastfeeding. I believe she was right and that breastfeeding is the right thing for me and my babies. However, as I found with Diana, it is not the beautiful, easy, natural process people make it out to be.

Breastfeeding is hell. If I didn't have a personal commitment to nursing my babies for at LEAST the first six months (Diana naturally weaned herself shortly after I got pregnant when she was about ten months old), I would have quit and used formula long ago. Nothing has been easy with Liam. He has a very strong suck, which HURTS like nothing else even though I'd nursed Diana. I expected it to be painless with the second child! And while there was no cracking or bleeding of the nipples like with Diana (thank goodness!), something was definitely not right. For the past three weeks, I've graduated from screaming and sometimes crying every time he ate to biting down on a rag to avoid screaming and frightening him to just gritting my teeth. About a week after he was born, I developed mastitis, complete with soreness, fever, and that sensitive aching feeling that comes with being sick- which just made the excruciating pain of nursing that much worse. After a few days of lots of sleep, pumping milk, and some nasty vinegar-water-honey concoctions, the mastitis cleared up. However, nursing was still incredibly painful. Liam had a very narrow latch, which we figured out was due to thrush. (I thought his very white tongue was just due to milk residue.) Thankfully, around the time we discovered the thrush, we took Liam to the doctor to be circumcised and she prescribed Nystatin drops. That seems to be helping to clear up his thrush, and I've been taking acidophilus supplements to help with any yeast problems I may have. So far he seems more willing to take more of the breast into his mouth (since I suspect it doesn't hurt his tongue as much), which makes nursing MUCH easier for me. There have even been a couple times in the last day or so when I was only vaguely uncomfortable while nursing him. It was a big improvement.

Just to be clear, I know that breastfeeding isn't always this bad. I got off to a very rough start with Diana as well for different reasons and I remember that after a month or two, nursing was easy and enjoyable. In fact, I really missed it when Diana weaned herself. I loved the connection and the snuggling time. (And how about those happy hormones after a let down! They make everything in the world better!) I have great hope that the same will be true for Liam, although it appears it might take a little longer with him.

So far there hasn't been much of a problem with the baby blues. The few times I got really emotional were mostly due to exhaustion, reluctance to feed Liam because of the unbearable pain, and wavering between extremes of feeling like everyone needs something from me at once and feeling like no one really needs me. We had so much help from family taking care of Diana and the house after Liam was born. There were some days when I hardly saw Diana at all, and since I couldn't do anything with her like pick her up, play with her or run around with her outside for a week or two, she seemed to stop wanting or needing me. Where she used to get excited and say "Mama!!" or need me to hold her when she was hurt, she now started to ask for "Daddy" or "Annies" (Aunties). It was so hard. I didn't have much energy to give her, but I missed having my little girl who had been with me constantly for so long. That feeling was good for a couple of late night breakdowns. Now that Joey has mostly gone back to work, Diana and I spend more time together and I feel like we're starting to connect again, which is a wonderful feeling. I love Liam dearly, and I love to hold and talk to him and snuggle him, but it's a little difficult to fully connect with someone who doesn't seem to notice you except to demand something of you. I found that life with Diana got much more enjoyable after a month or two when she seemed to start recognizing and interacting with us. I know that will change with Liam.

That's what life has been like so far in the last three weeks. There are definitely challenges, but it's not as bad as it could be, and I know it will all get easier. Hopefully I can find time to keep this updated as the weeks fly by!

Liam Joseph Sullivan

On Saturday, May 26 at 11:30 AM we met Liam Joseph Sullivan for the first time. He was 8 lbs 10 oz, 20.5 in long with a 14 in head. It was about six hours from the time I woke up feeling cramps with an intense backache until the time he was born, and only about an hour and a half was active labor. We were blessed to be able to have a smooth and healthy home birth.We were so happy to meet our little boy.

His Name

You can see from the list in our previous post that we like pretty traditional names. As Jack Donaghy said, "Don't overthink the name. Stick to kings and queens of England. There will never be a President Ashton, or a Dr. Katniss, or a non-sexually-confused Lorne." That's been our philosophy, which was why William was a front runner for so long. However, about two weeks before Liam was born, Joseph announced that in all our time considering the name, it hadn't really grown on him, so we started back at square one and made a new list. 

Patrick was considered, as well as Joseph, although Joey didn't really like the idea of using it for a first name (his dad is also named Joseph). I liked William because it lent itself to cool nicknames like Will or Liam while still being traditional and distinguished. Unfortunately, it lends itself to all sorts of nicknames I don't prefer, like Billy or Willy. We could have named him William and just called him Will or Liam all the time, but that is fairly common practice among his ten cousins and it gets confusing very quickly. (For example, there is an Adam James who was named after his father Adam, but he's called James so he's not confused with his dad, but there's also a cousin named James who was named after HIS father James, but is called Teddy so as not to be confused with his father OR his older cousin James. Great names, and we adore our family members, but very confusing.) Liam popped up because it was an Irish shortening of William that sounded nice. I admit it's not very traditional, and I didn't like it at first, but it grew on me. We decided to go with Joseph as a middle name because we didn't want to lose a nice legacy name like that completely.

Birth Story

(Note: This is prominently labeled so that those of you who don't want to read the details can skip this section completely) :)

The day before Liam was born, I reached an odd sense of peace about being pregnant pretty much for the rest of my life. Really. I was struggling and gnashing my teeth at the discomfort of pregnancy during the entire 38th week, but by week 39 I'd just become calm about it all. It happened with Diana too on her due date and she came the very next day. I guess that peace indicates the calm before the storm for me, because Liam came as soon as I'd made up my mind to just enjoy pregnancy again.

I woke up at 5 AM feeling crampy, a little nauseous, and with occasional killer back/hip pains. I wandered around a little bit, tried to go back to sleep, got up again, took a shower, and started timing the back pains, since I didn't feel any distinguishable contractions. They were about 10 minutes apart and moved to 8 as I wandered around. By 6:30 AM I was fairly certain that I knew what was going on, even though it was still hard to distinguish contractions from pains in my back and hips and it felt completely different from when I went into labor with Diana. I woke Joseph up to let him know what was going on and called my midwife, who told me to eat a big breakfast (with the nausea, that didn't happen) and time some more contractions and see how the morning unfolded. We called my mom and she picked up Diana around 8 AM after she woke up. By that time, the contractions had become very distinct and were getting harder. I had to close my eyes and concentrate to get through them. As soon as I felt they were starting to really pick up speed and intensity, we called the midwife. She arrived around 9:30, saw one of my contractions, and got all of her equipment ready in a hurry. Joseph said he'd been feeling calm and confident until that point, having seen me in labor before and knowing that it would probably be a while before hard labor began, but when he saw how quick Lisa was to set up her supplies, he began to feel less confident about the situation.

By about 10 AM I felt like I didn't have the energy to take the very strong contractions sitting up, so I went to lie down on the bed. Something about lying down made the contractions become VERY strong and intense and much faster. Lisa saw that things were going to happen very quickly and told me it was time to push my baby out. At that point, the only people around were her, Rachel (another midwife) and Joseph.

Though I disliked being the center of attention, I found that I didn't care much about it when I had other things to focus on. Everyone was so encouraging when they spoke, and Joseph was a good sport about letting me squeeze the life out of his hands with each contraction, but mostly everyone was quiet to let me do my work. Joseph put on some quiet George Winston music that I loved when I was growing up. That's what I love about home birth: it's relatively peaceful. You're in your own house, surrounded people who are calm and supportive. I've been lucky enough not to have a hospital birth, but I really can't imagine a better way for a healthy woman to have a healthy baby than at home!

Some women are silent and strong during labor, but I find it helps me more if I yell with each contraction. With Diana, someone mentioned at some point that I was using all my energy to yell and that I should push with each contraction instead. That's what I tried to do this time- less vocalization and more pushing with each contraction. I think that really helped. My water broke in the middle of heavy labor (same as with Diana). Liam was born at 11:30, after about an hour and a half of hard (pushing) labor. Much better than the four hours it took with Diana. His labor was like riding a lightning bolt through a thunderstorm. It was very quick, but so very intense!! I didn't get much time to rest between each contraction and they lasted much longer than I would have been comfortable with (if I'd had any input). I guess that's the nice thing about labor: it feels like someone is making your body work to push a baby out instead of you deciding to work hard and push the baby out yourself. All you can do is work with the natural process.

Our Liam didn't cry when he was born. He was also completely and very definitely blue. But no one panicked. Lisa, who has been to close to 900 births, didn't see any cause for concern because he was looking around and breathing. She called it "a peaceful transition." It's a good thing she's an expert, because both Joseph and I were a little worried. She laid him on the bed next to me (I was on my side) so I could meet him face-to-face for the first time. Our little blue baby just sat there with his eyes open looking around and studying the world. The cord was cut once the blood drained from it. When the placenta was delivered, there was a gush of blood and fluid that made both midwives jump into emergency response mode (P.S.- They both seem very capable in the event of an emergency). It stopped after a moment and they determined that there had probably just still been some water behind the placenta that came out after it.

I still required stitches thanks to the speed of labor and his 14 inch head. I think there were more than when I had Diana. Still, when you've just been through childbirth, it's not that big a deal to get some stitches. And it's much more manageable when you have your brand new baby to hold and talk to. Little Liam turned pink like all healthy babies should and even eventually cried about an hour after he was born. I let him nurse for a little bit, but mostly he just wanted to sleep. The midwives gave us a final checkup, packed up and left, and Joseph, Liam and I all got some rest. Around 6 PM we called my mom, who brought Diana back so our little family could all be together again. Diana enjoyed seeing me and Joseph and was even briefly interested in her little brother, though she kept insisting he was Ella or Emily, her 3 month and 6 week old cousins who live down the street.

It was such a blessing to have a speedy and healthy home birth. We love the newest member of our little family!